Quick answer
Write the rules before you look at names — a cut-off for how recently you have spoken, a policy on colleagues, a policy on children, a policy on plus-ones. Then apply them to everyone, including family, and be prepared to say the rule out loud.
Rules first, names second
Going through a list name by name turns every cut into a personal judgement, which is exhausting and produces inconsistency you will have to defend. Deciding the rules first makes the cuts mechanical and, crucially, explicable.
Rules that work
- Have we spoken, in some real way, in the last two years?
- Would we invite them to a dinner for eight?
- Colleagues: all of the team, or none of them
- Children: all, none, or family only — stated plainly
- Plus-ones: partners by name, or everyone attending alone gets one
The "would they be hurt" test is a trap
Asked about any individual, the answer is almost always yes. It is not a rule, it is a way of never cutting anyone. Use it only to sanity-check the result once the rules have done the work.
Tiers are better than one list
Tier one is the people the wedding would not be the same without. Tier two is everyone you would love to have if the room allows. Tier three is the courtesy invitations. Building it this way means a venue change up or down is a decision about tiers rather than another full round of arguments.
A-list and B-list, handled honestly
Sending a second wave of invitations after declines come in is common and perfectly acceptable — as long as the second wave still arrives with enough notice to be a genuine invitation rather than an obvious afterthought. Send it at least six weeks out, or do not send it.
The evening-only option
Inviting people to the evening rather than the whole day is not a demotion if it is applied by category rather than by individual — colleagues, wider family, friends from a former chapter. Making the evening its own part of the event keeps that clean: those guests get their own invitation, their own details and their own headcount.
The conversations
Two are usually worth having in advance: with parents about their list, and with anyone who will assume they are invited. "We are keeping it to X people, so we are only inviting Y" is a complete answer, and saying it early is far kinder than letting someone find out from the absence of an envelope.